Two weeks ago in the blood red offices of Sir John Regal, CEO and Chairman of the Board of Inquisition Partners, a private equity fund with special interests in vulture investing and leveraged buyouts.

Sir John: Welcome to Inquisition Partners, Alan. May we call you Alan?

Dr Greenspan: No. You may call me Dr. Greenspan.

Sir John: Of course, Dr. Greenspan. We are interested in your possibly joining our firm. What exactly can you do for us?

Dr Greenspan: I am pleased to be here today, Mr. Regal, to proffer my views on the condition of the U.S. economy and contemporary financial and monetary issues. I articulate these ideas for myself, you must understand, and no longer for the Federal Reserve in any manner. As you know, trade and industrial activity hit a soft patch in 2007 after having grown briskly, if not to say vigorously in several preceding quarters, because irresponsible policy decisions decreased the cost of money to absurdly low levels. Then consumer spending slowed substantially, and employment gains moderated remarkably, though not notably after, again, previous marked step-ups. That pliability in activity we can say with no uncertain reservations is related, in great measure, to increases in energy prices that have been both recent and continuous. Furthermore, in assessing…

Sir John: I’m sorry, Dr. Greenspan, why is this relevant?

Dr Greenspan: The present is great and originating, penetrating, advantageous, correct and firm. The future will yet be meet with opposition and obstruction. If we cherish this with apprehensive caution, there will be good fortune. If we prosecute the contentious issues to the bitter end, there will be evil.

Sir John: What?

Dr Greenspan: (X + Y)2 = X2 + 2XY + Y2 therefore God exists. Sir John: Alan, are you trying to confuse us? Because if you are we want you to know that we can hire writers nearly as obscure as you for one fiftieth of what you cost. And I have read your book. I know you can speak clearly, when you want to.

Dr Greenspan: I see. But your writers cannot strike fear into the hearts of your clients. When your clients do not understand me, and they won’t, they will be afraid and they will cling to you for comfort. And please call me Dr. Greenspan, as is my right.

Sir John: Uh-huh. That may be of some value to us. But we still have to know if we can trust you. Can we?

Dr Greenspan: Of course. We have been talking for ten minutes. Have I obfuscated even once? NO! Look at my record. Look at what I’ve done for the American people. I can do the same for you.

Fred Gehm runs http://www.fredgehm.com which covers the hedge funds and other alternative investments from the investors point of view.

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